You say you love me, but you really don’t. You love her more, she is first and I am last. You say she is just a friend but is that really true? She is hurting her partner and she doesn’t care, she knows she is hurting me, but she obviously doesn’t care about me, why should she. You know you are hurting her partner, but you don’t care. You know you’re killing me, but you don’t give a damn. You say you love me, but you don’t hurt someone you love. You don’t keep on hurting the one you love and making excuses. It doesn’t work that way.
You say I won, because you’re here with me, you love me, but that’s not true because even after all these years, you’re still attached to her. She is still in your heart. This is not a competition; don’t make it seem like it is. Because if it is, I am the loser here, holding on to you while you’re still holding on to her. So no, I haven’t “won”, she’s won.
And you will continue like nothing ever happened, like we didn’t have an argument, a fight yesterday. You will scoot it under the rug, and pretend like it never happened, like “I’m sorry” will make it all go away, while you continue doing the same thing again and making excuses every single time.
It’s sad and heartbreaking to realize that this may be the beginning of the end… of this relationship, of this marriage, of this friendship that we both share. The end of everything we have fought to build, of my love for you. It hurts to realize that you “love” me, but you will still hurt me willingly every single day you message and call her even though you say she is just a friend, a friend you dated before me, a “friend” you left me for a long time ago, a friend you can’t let go. But that doesn’t matter to you, because all that matters to you is you. You say you love me, but you yourself have said that you got used to being by yourself. So, you are just thinking of just you, no one else. You do what you want, no matter who that hurts. I am just an afterthought, an “oh, shit. I have a wife. Let me just throw her a bone and that’ll shut her up for a bit.” No effort put into me.
Yes, you may give me all the material things, and I am super grateful. I know how hard you work, I know how tired you are when your body is fighting against you. But I want your communication, I want your emotional connection. I want to be the first person you think when something funny goes down, or when something crappy happens and you message and call saying, “Guess what happened?” But I am not. I will never be, because it’s her. It will always be her. You say we talk, but when? When have we had a conversation of just what’s going on in our lives, the stuff that has happened at our job, funny moments that we have come across, random things that have popped up in our brains or in general. We don’t talk about that; we barely talk at all. But you’re saying that you’re talking about the most random stuff, like geckos. It must be nice. If anyone were to look at your messages, they would think, “Man, he must really love his wife. He talks to her constantly.” But that’s not me, is it. I get one- or two-word answers, or no answer at all. I get forgotten, or no effort to respond at all.
You are killing me slowly and so completely with your words and actions…and I am letting you do it. Oh, foolish heart, bleeding and stupid heart, hopeful and broken heart. Why? Why let him trample you down so, why let his words cause pain, why let his actions chisel at your cracks and break you open. Your vulnerability astounds me. Your stupidity leaves me speechless. And your naivety amuses me.
-Bella Imperia
Bella Imperia: The Things I Don't Say 
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