Bella Imperia: The things I don’t say

I don’t think it was one big moment.

Not one fight.
Not one message.
Not one truth that suddenly opened my eyes.

I think it was the quiet.

The space where something used to live.

The way I started noticing how often I sat with my thoughts instead of sharing them with you. How I would reach for my phone, wanting to tell you something—anything—and then stop… because I already knew what I would get back.

Silence.
Or half-answers.
Or something that felt like obligation instead of love.

And I told myself it was okay.

Because love isn’t always loud, right?
It isn’t always constant.
People get busy. People get tired.

I made excuses for you in ways I never made them for myself.

But love shouldn’t feel like this constant ache in my chest.
Like I’m asking for too much just to feel seen.
Just to feel chosen.

That word… chosen.

I don’t think I’ve felt that in a long time.

Not fully. Not without doubt creeping in right behind it.

Because how can I feel chosen
when I know there’s still a part of you that belongs somewhere else?

How can I feel like home
when I feel like I’m competing with a memory…
or maybe not even a memory.

Maybe something that never really left.

And I hate that this is where my mind goes.

I hate that I question everything now.
Your words.
Your timing.
Your attention.

I hate that love has started to feel like something I have to measure instead of something I can just… trust.

That’s not who I was.

I used to love so freely. So fully.
Without hesitation. Without fear.

Now I hesitate.
Now I overthink.
Now I sit in the quiet and wonder if I’m slowly disappearing in a story that was supposed to include me.

And the hardest part?

I’m still here.

Still loving you.
Still hoping something shifts.
Still holding onto the version of us that felt real, that felt solid, that felt like forever wasn’t a question.

But something in me is changing.

Not loudly.
Not dramatically.

Just… quietly.

The same way everything else started fading.

And I don’t know if that scares me more…
or a part of me welcomes it…

and embraces it.

-Bella Imperia