Bella Imperia: The things I don’t say

Do you know how exhausting it is to smile when everything inside you is unraveling? To greet people kindly, answer questions, finish tasks, and move through the day as if nothing is wrong. To wear the face of “I’m fine” while your mind is screaming behind it.

To be productive when anxiety is running wild is its own kind of labor. Every email answered, every chore completed, every conversation held feels heavier than it should. What looks ordinary to everyone else can feel like climbing a mountain with shaking hands.

Today, I am two seconds from a full-blown panic attack. My thoughts are racing, my chest feels tight, and even breathing takes effort. The smallest thing feels like it could tip me over the edge.

I’m cold, and I cannot get warm. Maybe it is the panic, the anxiety, the terror seeping through my bones. My hands are ice, the trembling will not stop. My body is betraying me, just like my mind and heart.

Today is not my day. My mind is tired from fighting battles no one can see. My heart is heavy with things I cannot fully name. I am carrying too much, and doing it quietly.

I do not want to be strong today. I do not want to push through or keep pretending this is just another normal day. I want rest. I want silence. I want sleep deep enough to quiet the noise for a little while.

So if I seem distant, slower, quieter than usual, know that sometimes surviving the day is work enough. And we are only barely through half the day; the end still feels unbearably far away.

-Bella Imperia